So the Hubby received a gift card to this store called Scheels from one of the contractors he works with. We have never been to that store and really I had never heard of it before this so today we packed the family up and we went to check it out. It is nearly an hour drive from our house so this was a big adventure. The store is huge. There is a fresh water aquarium on one side, a salt water aquarium on the other side and a full-size ferris wheel smack in the middle (yes, I said ferris wheel). They have a play area for the kids with a rock climbing wall and one of those tunnel things with slides and plastic bubbles and such. There is also a restaurant - and that is all just on the first floor!
From the sound of it you would think it would be a family day paradise, huh? Well, maybe for a “normal” family it would. You want the truth though - for us it sucked and I am going to go for sympathy and tell you that today I am writing about my feelings because for me today just sucked major and I really just wanted to fall over and start sobbing but I couldn’t so here I am now, blogging, letting it all out.
When we walked in the store initially everything was fine, but I looked over at Bug and noticed his eyes widening. My initial thought was “oh no” but I didn’t want to show any emotion so I blew it off and just pointed out the fish. Bean was beside herself with glee over the fish and Bug got into the joy of it all too. It took about five minutes and then his expression totally changed. There were tons of people - the place was packed. It was loud and there were the lights on the ferris wheel - heck, I felt a bit over stimulated by it all so when I saw Bug (at about fifteen minutes into it all) just sit down on the floor and start rocking I knew without a doubt that it was all too much for him to handle. He sat for a minute and then he got up and paced and then he sat some more then paced some more and then started touching and feeling everything in sight. We decided to start walking and that is when the first meltdown started. Bug started screaming.
Now, when you are in a store with that many people and your child starts screaming, well, let’s be honest - it’s embarrassing! People start staring, you see some people mumble under their breath - it sucks. And yes, I am using the word “sucks” and awful lot today, but it sucks!
We got Bug to an area in the store where there weren’t a lot of people and he proceeded with his meltdown. I knelt down with him and tried to get him to breathe through it all and after about a half hour (not too long, it’s a record!) he calmed himself down. He ate a snack I had brought for him and then he was ready to go again. In reality at that point we should have left but Hubby and I were determined to see this store as we had driven quite a distance to get there. And that is when we walked right into the children’s play area.
I knew it was a bad idea.
Every ounce of my being was screaming “no, don’t let him go!”
But when Bug looked up at me with those eyes of his and said, “I want to try it, Mommy.” Well, seriously people, how could I say no? I mean, I could have said no - but the kid has to experience life! And then Bean chimed in, “Me too, Mommy! I want to go too!”
And so it began.
The first problem is that in all those types of places children are required to take off their shoes. This meant Bug too. This meant that his feet would be feeling everything - for Bug this means a sensory circus. But we pressed on. Shoes came off and up he went.
I think it was like a minute after he went up - this all happened so fast - when I heard a scream. Then another. Then I heard the lady next to me say, “Oh, poor thing is stuck.”
I looked up - and there was Bug in the plastic bubble. He wasn’t stuck. There is plenty of room to move in that thing.
I called to the Hubby and said “Bug is scared, can you go get him!”
Then I looked up and saw Bug’s face. He was not just scared - he was confused, lost, and terrified. I called up to him, “Bug, just go to the right! It’s ok, Mommy is here!” This did nothing. He was panicking. He was wailing. He was howling.
And then more comments,..
“Oh, what a pitiful thing…”
“Poor kid…”
“Some kids shouldn’t play in those things…”
That is when I felt the anger in me rise and then I just wanted to scream at all of them to shut up!
Seriously, this all happened in minutes - it takes a long time to write it out, but it was literally minutes.
I know some people were showing genuine sympathy - like the mom who yelled to her daughter to “go help the poor little boy who is crying”. Yep, she meant well, but the last thing Bug needed was some strange girl grabbing his arm. He howled louder, he screamed louder, he looked more terrified than before.
I don’t feel like I should ever have to tell strangers my kid has Autism. Why should I have to explain that to the world? Why is it their business? But that is when I felt I needed to. I turned to some of them standing by and I said, “He has Autism - this is all too much for him. My Husband just needs to get to him and it will be ok.”
And that is when I got those looks - the ones that make me want to smack someone. The looks that say “Oh, we’re so sorry that your child is broken”. Come on you Autism moms - you know exactly what I am talking about! I HATE THOSE LOOKS! I hate even more the, “Oh, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that”. I loathe the “Oh, poor thing, it must be so hard for him”. I know it’s genuine, but I hate it!
I wanted to cry.
The Hubby had reached Bug and he was bringing him out. Bug grabbed on to me like he hadn’t seen me in a year. I sat down with him and we rocked and I gave him his calculator (those who have been reading a while know this is his coping mechanism) and he frantically started pressing buttons. A nice lady came up and offered him a granola bar - again, I know she meant well but really it was not the best thing.
We rocked, he cried, I wanted to cry but didn’t dare with all those people staring at me.
I put his shoes back on him, he finally calmed down, and then I began walking around with him while Bean was still up in the tunnel playing. He saw the rock wall and began climbing it - this seemed to put him in a very relaxed state. This makes me want to get a rock climbing wall in our back yard.
I hate seeing my boy so lost and confused and scared. I hate that despite the fact that I am right there telling him what to do it appears as if he sees me as being thousands of miles away. I hate that I feel like smacking those parents who mean well but just have no clue.
I hate that I feel guilty for writing about my feelings, like I am breaking some unwritten rule or something.
I hate that kids are required to take their shoes off in those places - not all kids cope well with that!
And I hate that after all of this happened I looked up to watch some little turd in a bomber jacket punch my Bean in the eye TWICE while she was doing nothing but sitting still enjoying the view. I hate that even though I called out to him to stop and I asked who the parent was no one else did a thing.
I hate that I felt I had to explain my kid - like I have to give an excuse for him.
But I did appreciate the nice lady who spoke to me about a half hour later and in genuine sympathy said to me, “I felt bad for the little guy up there, he looked so scared. You did good, mom.”
Thank you whoever you are for telling me I “did good” because right now I just want to go cry. I have wanted to cry all day.
I hate that I feel guilty for crying!
